Two and a Half Men
A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his Malibu beach house.
Starring: Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Amber Tamblyn, Conchata Ferrell, Holland Taylor, Marin Hinkle, Melanie Lynskey, April Bowlby
Season 1
- Episode 1 · Pilot
- Episode 2 · Big Flappy Bastards
- Episode 3 · Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell
- Episode 4 · If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap
- Episode 5 · The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump
- Episode 6 · Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys?
- Episode 7 · If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake
- Episode 8 · Twenty-Five Little Pre-Pubers Without a Snoot-Ful
- Episode 9 · Phase One, Complete
- Episode 10 · Merry Thanksgiving
- Episode 11 · Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor
- Episode 12 · Camel Filters and Pheromones
- Episode 13 · Sarah Like Puny Alan
- Episode 14 · I Can't Afford Hyenas
- Episode 15 · Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick
- Episode 16 · That Was Saliva, Alan
- Episode 17 · Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats
- Episode 18 · An Old Flame With a New Wick
- Episode 19 · I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You
- Episode 20 · Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark
- Episode 21 · No Sniffing, No Wowing
- Episode 22 · My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet
- Episode 23 · Just Like Buffalo
- Episode 24 · Can You Feel My Finger?
Season 2
- Episode 1 · Back Off, Mary Poppins
- Episode 2 · Enjoy Those Garlic Balls
- Episode 3 · A Bag Full of Jawea
- Episode 4 · Go Get Mommy's Bra
- Episode 5 · Bad News from the Clinic?
- Episode 6 · The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance
- Episode 7 · A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana
- Episode 8 · Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers
- Episode 9 · Yes, Monsignor
- Episode 10 · The Salmon Under My Sweater
- Episode 11 · Last Chance to See Those Tattoos
- Episode 12 · A Lungful of Alan
- Episode 13 · Zejdz z Zmoich Wlosów (Get Off My Hair)
- Episode 14 · Those Big Pink Things with Coconut
- Episode 15 · Smell the Umbrella Stand
- Episode 16 · Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth?
- Episode 17 · Woo-Hoo, a Hernia Exam!
- Episode 18 · It Was 'Mame', Mom
- Episode 19 · A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise
- Episode 20 · I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey
- Episode 21 · A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On
- Episode 22 · That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother
- Episode 23 · Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab
- Episode 24 · Does This Smell Funny to You?
Season 3
- Episode 1 · Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts
- Episode 2 · Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover
- Episode 3 · Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark
- Episode 4 · Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs
- Episode 5 · We Called It Mr. Pinky
- Episode 6 · Hi, Mr. Horned One
- Episode 7 · Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop
- Episode 8 · That Voodoo That I Do Do
- Episode 9 · Madame and Her Special Friend
- Episode 10 · Something Salted and Twisted
- Episode 11 · Santa's Village of the Damned
- Episode 12 · That Special Tug
- Episode 13 · Humiliation Is a Visual Medium
- Episode 14 · Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded
- Episode 15 · My Tongue Is Meat
- Episode 16 · Ergo, the Booty Call
- Episode 17 · The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer
- Episode 18 · The Spit-Covered Cobbler
- Episode 19 · Golly Moses, She's a Muffin
- Episode 20 · Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro
- Episode 21 · And the Plot Moistens
- Episode 22 · Just Once with Aunt Sophie
- Episode 23 · Arguments for the Quickie
- Episode 24 · That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite
Season 4
- Episode 1 · Working for Caligula
- Episode 2 · Who Is This Vod Kanockers?
- Episode 3 · The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress
- Episode 4 · A Pot-Smokin' Monkey
- Episode 5 · A Live Woman of Proven Fertility
- Episode 6 · Apologies for the Frivolity
- Episode 7 · Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head
- Episode 8 · Release the Dogs
- Episode 9 · Corey's Been Dead for an Hour
- Episode 10 · Kissing Abe Lincoln
- Episode 11 · Walnuts and Demerol
- Episode 12 · Castrating Sheep in Montana
- Episode 13 · Don't Worry, Speed Racer
- Episode 14 · That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami
- Episode 15 · My Damn Stalker
- Episode 16 · Young People Have Phlegm Too
- Episode 17 · I Merely Slept with a Commie
- Episode 18 · It Never Rains in Hooterville
- Episode 19 · Smooth as a Ken Doll
- Episode 20 · Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot
- Episode 21 · Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous
- Episode 22 · Mr. McGlue's Feedbag
- Episode 23 · Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-Lookin'
- Episode 24 · Prostitutes and Gelato
Season 5
- Episode 1 · Large Birds, Spiders and Mom
- Episode 2 · Media Room Slash Dungeon
- Episode 3 · Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo
- Episode 4 · City of Great Racks
- Episode 5 · Putting Swim Fins on a Cat
- Episode 6 · Help Daddy Find His Toenail
- Episode 7 · The Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room
- Episode 8 · Is There a Mrs. Waffles?
- Episode 9 · Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids
- Episode 10 · Kinda Like Necrophilia
- Episode 11 · Meander to Your Dander
- Episode 12 · A Little Clammy and None Too Fresh
- Episode 13 · The Soil Is Moist
- Episode 14 · Winky-Dink Time
- Episode 15 · Rough Night in Hump Junction
- Episode 16 · Look at Me Mommy, I'm Pretty
- Episode 17 · Fish in a Drawer
- Episode 18 · If My Hole Could Talk
- Episode 19 · Waiting for the Right Snapper
Season 6
- Episode 1 · Taterhead Is Our Love Child
- Episode 2 · Pie Hole, Herb
- Episode 3 · Damn You, Eggs Benedict
- Episode 4 · The Flavin' and the Mavin'
- Episode 5 · A Jock Strap in Hell
- Episode 6 · It's Always Nazi Week
- Episode 7 · Best H.O. Money Can Buy
- Episode 8 · Pinocchio's Mouth
- Episode 9 · The Mooch at the Boo
- Episode 10 · He Smelled the Ham, He Got Excited
- Episode 11 · The Devil's Lube
- Episode 12 · Thank God for Scoliosis
- Episode 13 · I Think You Offended Don
- Episode 14 · David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie
- Episode 15 · I'd Like to Start with the Cat
- Episode 16 · She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime
- Episode 17 · The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'?
- Episode 18 · My Son's Enormous Head
- Episode 19 · The Two Finger Rule
- Episode 20 · Hello, I Am Alan Cousteau
- Episode 21 · Above Exalted Cyclops
- Episode 22 · Sir Lancelot's Litter Box
- Episode 23 · Good Morning Mrs. Butterworth
- Episode 24 · Baseball Was Better with Steroids
Season 7
- Episode 1 · 818-JKLPUZO
- Episode 2 · Whipped Unto the Third Generation
- Episode 3 · Mmm, Fish. Yum.
- Episode 4 · Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator
- Episode 5 · For the Sake of the Child
- Episode 6 · Give Me Your Thumb
- Episode 7 · Untainted by Filth
- Episode 8 · Gorp. Fnark. Schmegle.
- Episode 9 · Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair
- Episode 10 · That's Why They Call It "Ball Room"
- Episode 11 · Warning, It's Dirty
- Episode 12 · Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste
- Episode 13 · Yay, No Polyps!
- Episode 14 · Crude and Uncalled For
- Episode 15 · Aye, Aye, Captain Douche
- Episode 16 · Tinkle Like a Princess
- Episode 17 · I Found Your Moustache
- Episode 18 · Ixnay on the Oggie Day
- Episode 19 · Keith Moon Is Vomiting in His Grave
- Episode 20 · I Called Him Magoo
- Episode 21 · Gumby with a Pokey
- Episode 22 · This Is Not Gonna End Well
Season 8
- Episode 1 · Three Girls and a Guy Named Bud
- Episode 2 · A Bottle of Wine and a Jackhammer
- Episode 3 · A Pudding-Filled Cactus
- Episode 4 · Hookers, Hookers, Hookers
- Episode 5 · The Immortal Mr. Billy Joel
- Episode 6 · Twanging Your Magic Clanger
- Episode 7 · The Crazy Bitch Gazette
- Episode 8 · Springtime on a Stick
- Episode 9 · A Good Time in Central Africa
- Episode 10 · Ow, Ow, Don't Stop
- Episode 11 · Dead from the Waist Down
- Episode 12 · Chocolate Diddlers or My Puppy's Dead
- Episode 13 · Skunk, Dog Crap and Ketchup
- Episode 14 · Lookin' for Japanese Subs
- Episode 15 · Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak
- Episode 16 · That Darn Priest
Season 9
- Episode 1 · Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt
- Episode 2 · People Who Love Peepholes
- Episode 3 · Big Girls Don't Throw Food
- Episode 4 · Nine Magic Fingers
- Episode 5 · A Giant Cat Holding a Churro
- Episode 6 · The Squat and Hover
- Episode 7 · Those Fancy Japanese Toilets
- Episode 8 · Thank You for the Intercourse
- Episode 9 · Frodo's Headshots
- Episode 10 · A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes
- Episode 11 · What a Lovely Landing Strip
- Episode 12 · One False Move, Zimbabwe!
- Episode 13 · Slowly and in a Circular Fashion
- Episode 14 · A Possum on Chemo
- Episode 15 · The Duchess of Dull-in-Sack
- Episode 16 · Sips, Sonnets and Sodomy
- Episode 17 · Not in My Mouth!
- Episode 18 · The War Against Gingivitis
- Episode 19 · Palmdale, Ech
- Episode 20 · Grandma's Pie
- Episode 21 · Mr. Hose Says "Yes"
- Episode 22 · Why We Gave Up Women
- Episode 23 · The Straw in My Donut Hole
- Episode 24 · Oh Look! Al-Qaeda!
Season 10
- Episode 1 · I Changed My Mind About the Milk
- Episode 2 · A Big Bag of Dog
- Episode 3 · Four Balls, Two Bats and One Mitt
- Episode 4 · You Do Know What the Lollipop's For
- Episode 5 · That's Not What They Call It in Amsterdam
- Episode 6 · Ferrets, Attack!
- Episode 7 · Avoid the Chinese Mustard
- Episode 8 · Something My Gynecologist Said
- Episode 9 · I Scream When I Pee
- Episode 10 · One Nut Johnson
- Episode 11 · Give Santa a Tail-Hole
- Episode 12 · Welcome to Alancrest
- Episode 13 · Grab a Feather and Get in Line
- Episode 14 · Run, Steven Staven! Run!
- Episode 15 · Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It
- Episode 16 · Advantage: Fat, Flying Baby
- Episode 17 · Throgwarten Middle School Mysteries
- Episode 18 · The 9:04 from Pemberton
- Episode 19 · Big Episode. Someone Stole a Spoon
- Episode 20 · Bazinga! That's from a TV Show
- Episode 21 · Another Night with Neil Diamond
- Episode 22 · My Bodacious Vidalia
- Episode 23 · Cows, Prepare to Be Tipped
Season 11
- Episode 1 · Nangnangnangnang
- Episode 2 · I Think I Banged Lucille Ball
- Episode 3 · This Unblessed Biscuit
- Episode 4 · Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank
- Episode 5 · Alan Harper, Pleasing Women Since 2003
- Episode 6 · Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants
- Episode 7 · Some Kind of Lesbian Zombie
- Episode 8 · Mr. Walden, He Die. I Clean Room.
- Episode 9 · Numero Uno Accidente Lawyer
- Episode 10 · On Vodka, on Soda, on Blender, on Mixer!
- Episode 11 · Tazed in the Lady Nuts
- Episode 12 · Baseball. Boobs. Boobs. Baseball.
- Episode 13 · Bite Me, Supreme Court
- Episode 14 · Three Fingers of Crème de Menthe
- Episode 15 · Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin
- Episode 16 · How to Get Rid of Alan Harper
- Episode 17 · Welcome Home, Jake
- Episode 18 · West Side Story
- Episode 19 · Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang
- Episode 20 · Lotta Delis in Little Armenia
- Episode 21 · Dial 1-900-Mix-A-Lot
- Episode 22 · Oh, WALD-E, Good Times Ahead
Season 12
- Episode 1 · The Ol' Mexican Spinach
- Episode 2 · A Chic Bar in Ibiza
- Episode 3 · Glamping in a Yurt
- Episode 4 · Thirty-Eight, Sixty-Two, Thirty-Eight
- Episode 5 · Oontz. Oontz. Oontz.
- Episode 6 · Alan Shot a Little Girl
- Episode 7 · Sex with an Animated Ed Asner
- Episode 8 · Family, Bublé, Deep-Fried Turkey
- Episode 9 · Bouncy, Bouncy, Bouncy, Lyndsey
- Episode 10 · Here I Come, Pants!
- Episode 11 · For Whom the Booty Calls
- Episode 12 · A Beer-Battered Rip-Off
- Episode 13 · Boompa Loved His Hookers
- Episode 14 · Don't Give a Monkey a Gun
- Episode 15 · Of Course He's Dead (1)
- Episode 16 · Of Course He's Dead (2)
